Confessions of a Software Engineer
I don’t know if it can get much more embarrassing than crying at work.
Oh no, wait—yes it can. Crying at a workplace where you’re the only woman for miles around is worse. And doing it in front of your boss. And having to talk about it for the next week. Well, that’s my crying story. Hey, everyone’s got one, right? Right??
In my case, it came at the end of a stressful and frantic week when it seemed like I couldn’t do anything right. A piece of my code had a bug. Stupid, annoying bug. Software had to be rolled back, customers reassured. It was a whole big thing.
After I fixed up the code, I went through a few rounds of “you suck” meetings. What was wrong with me? How could I have been so careless? I had to explain to group of managers exactly what the problem was and why I didn’t catch it before. I was up every night that week—working, worrying, and wondering whether I even belong in this profession.
At the end of all this, a senior manager asked me to send an e-mail to the entire company explaining the bug. Ughhhh, really? Do I have to? Yes, really. I really had to.
So I composed a mea culpa, previewed it to another manager, swallowed my pride, and hit “send.” Not five minutes later, another senior manager (my boss’s boss) pulled me aside to tell me how inappropriate the e-mail was—not the intent of it, but the tone. He was upset with the way it was worded. Apparently, I had humiliated myself incorrectly.
Well, that was too much for me. The tears came, and I couldn’t choke them back. That I managed not to out-and-out sob was the only victory of the day. I hoped that Boss would discreetly back off and leave me to my embarrassment, but he had me cornered in my office and just kept… on… talking. Luckily, it was late in the day and no one else was really around. After apologizing as coherently as I could, I headed right for home.
The next week, I had several conversations with all kinds of managers who kept asking to talk to me about the encounter. Some were of the “are you okay?” variety, and some were still on the “you suck” thread of the week before. I endured similar conversations with my fellow engineers as well. Apparently, word had gotten around.
The bug itself I have long since gotten over. Bugs happen. But the crying at work? My brain still hangs on to that one, hauling the memory out every now and then so I can re-live it. It will fade eventually, I’m sure, and I’m really looking forward to that day.
Have you ever cried at work? How did you handle it?
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The honest answer is yes – but I would never have the courage to go into details in public like you did.
It was a very similar experience to yours and I applaud you for sharing and making the rest of us know that we are not the only one…
@Elena, I just found your blog and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
If we are all honest, we’ve all had situations where, at some point in our careers, we’ve at least had a lump in our throat
The honest answer is yes – but I would never have the courage to go into details in public like you did.
It was a very similar experience to yours and I applaud you for sharing and making the rest of us know that we are not the only one…